Making love after miscarriage.

A topic little discussed but one which I come across in my clinic, is that of the question of making love after miscarriage or a medical termination, particularly when the couple want to conceive again.  

Miscarriage when a pregnancy is planned can be a hugely traumatic loss, physically and emotionally.  A medical termination, which is often undertaken when the pregnancy is already quite advanced, also brings incredible challenges, both physically and emotionally.   But in either case, often there is a desire to conceive again as soon as possible.

As a woman, the first questions you are likely asking include 'how long should we wait until we try again' and 'when will it be safe', but I would like to invite anyone in this situation to ask themselves some different questions:

Have I grieved my loss fully?

Am I holding blame for myself or anyone else for this situation?

How do I feel about my body?

How do I feel about my partner and the support they have offered and are offering now?

Do I have the support I need to help me make sense of things?  

When we have sex, am I able to let go, to reach climax, to connect with my partner?

There's a really good reason for these questions because there's a very difficult thing that can happen between two people after a loss such as this.  It doesn't happen to every couple but the scenario I am about to describe is extremely common and very human.

After the shock has lessened and the physical effects of pregnancy and the loss or termination have stopped being fully felt, the woman starts to get into her head.  Cycle tracking, offering the illusion of some control, becomes a buoy to cling to.  Scheduling sex around ovulation becomes all-important.  The two week wait is insufferable and the emotional highs and lows extreme.  A disproportionate amount of time is spent online researching things that could be wrong with you, supplements that might help, reasons why you aren't pregnant yet, statistics that both reassure and induce panic.  You plan your life on 'if it happens this month' as you consider holiday plans, gig tickets, courses, changing jobs. 

Men, who let's be honest, seem to really struggle with getting on board with women's cycles at the best of times, can feel like saboteurs.  They might not take the supplements we have sourced for them, or they continue to drink or smoke, despite every piece of research put in front of them.  Performance anxiety, resentment at being 'on demand' or having their lifestyle challenged, subconscious fear of another pregnancy and another loss, or just feeling emotionally distant from the woman they love isn't conducive to feeling connected, or to sex that feels fun, joyful, spontaneous (even if its not!).

You might decide to have some testing done to check that all is well.  Blood tests to check your hormone levels, thyroid testing, internal scans, a HyCoSy.  A sperm test.  You need answers, and reassurance, and this is what medical science offers.  (And this is good information, don't get me wrong).  

If you are in a same-sex relationship there are obviously some differences, but so many aspects of this remain the same.  You can find yourself disconnected from yourself and your own pleasure in life, for life, for love, and that creates a distance between you and your partner.  Making love becomes sex, a procreative act that is neither creative nor satisfying.  In fact, it can become a battleground, a source of disagreement and discord. 

As someone who has worked in the fertility world for well over a decade, and as someone who has been through pregnancy loss and then IVF treatment, I understand this so well.  And as a fertility specialist I know that there can be things that might need to be 'fixed' or investigated more as you try to conceive again. But more often than not, we go looking for problems when there aren't any.  What has happened is that fear and grief have hijacked our emotional balance and are ruling us. 

Acupuncture can help your body get back to cycling optimally.  
Nutrition and the right supplements can help give you and your partners body the nourishment it needs to support a healthy pregnancy.  
Research can help you understand that what has happened doesn't mean a life without children.  
A counsellor or therapist can help you make sense of the situation you are navigating; the grief, the anger, the fear.

Five Element acupuncture can help you feel like yourself.  A changed self, because loss and grief cannot help but change us, but a whole, more resilient self.  And that's really important.   Because when you feel like yourself you can navigate the next steps with a greater sense of ease.  I don't mean it will be easy; it's a really challenging set of circumstances, but when we feel ourselves we are able to make better choices for ourselves.  We find it easier to keep things in perspective (even as we lose it), more resilient as we navigate the emotional aspects of our menstrual cycle, and most importantly we can open ourselves up to really connecting with our partners again.  To feel vulnerable, to crack ourselves open to all the emotions, to feel all the feels, and to make love with an open heart.  

Making love after pregnancy loss is important.  It's not just sex, it's another way to heal, together.